My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
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Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.