“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
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My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
accurate
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor