Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
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Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit