I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
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Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Not today
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.