My patience has stretch marks.
You Might Also Like
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Yup
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one