Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
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H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
At least my masseuse has my back.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Finally!
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”