One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
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a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.