Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
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The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.