I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
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Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!