Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
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Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Nice try Hitler
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers