AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
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one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.