Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
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You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Straight people are cancelled
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Pickled cat.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows