My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
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Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.