My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
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This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos