[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
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Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.