I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
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Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I feel it
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
pictures of spider-man