Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
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i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Ain’t no way
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose