every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
You Might Also Like
I got bills
They’re multiplying
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap