It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
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Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.