Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
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DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.