*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
You Might Also Like
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
<—- homeless romantic
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
screw you
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.