you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
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[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Those are good neighbors.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
We’ve come full circle
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.