“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
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I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
so, is there a mister shapen head
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears