On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
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The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.