GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
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‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
They must have gotten it to go.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Solving a traffic jam
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!