Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
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“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
This makes total sense…
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho