More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
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Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.