Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
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Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
The photographer’s assistant
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco