“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
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Phones down.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I hope it’s French Onion!
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.