Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
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Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?