karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
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Simple
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.