[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
You Might Also Like
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.