If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
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my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.