Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
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So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Monday