I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
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*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
do horses think humans are hats
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I can’t stop laughing at this
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE