[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
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My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving