awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
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Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
ACED my prostate exam!