[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
You Might Also Like
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*