me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
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pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes