It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
You Might Also Like
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]