When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
You Might Also Like
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Still cracks me up
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
A short story of betrayal:
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.