Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
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8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
There is no “we” in pizza
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.