Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
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My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP