That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
You Might Also Like
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
We found love in a hopeless place.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …