things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
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[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”