Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
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them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I am HOWLING at this
My diet starts in January
of 2027