Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
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they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
How your email finds me
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.