So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
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One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
#dnd #ttrpg
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.