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Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*