People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
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honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
@ candidates for local office
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.